I play tug-of-war with myself all the time.

Ok, so I got an internship. Whiiich is in Madrid. Which, true, is not Bolivia, but it's Madrid. Madrid where I lived as an exchange student in high school, Madrid where I got my accent, Madrid where I decided I loved Spanish. Catch: if I go, I don't get to see the WonderTwins this summer. Possibly not ever. And I do miss them, with their stupid faces and stupid jokes and stupid awesomeness.

Wow, when did I turn into a fifth-grader?

Maybe I can do the internship May-July...but then I still won't see them. Fuck. I've been waiting six fucking years to get back to Madrid, and if I do so, I'll be losing something huge. But if I go to Bolivia I lose the opportunity to actually get some journalism cred which I can use when applying to journalism school. Except I've almost decided that I want to be a college professor instead. But I love writing. But I love teaching. And I really love academia. Then again, I really love interviews - learning people's stories is the shit. (in a good way)

Why am I such a dipshit? What kind of idiot can't make up her mind between these two very simple choices she's been agonizing over for the past 8 years? Seriously, 8 years of saying "no, I love teaching. But wait, I love writing and I loved writing for the newspaper. But, hold on, teaching and learning is so fun! But, also, so is everything else!" Ohhh boy. I'm in for something.

I'm a little conflicted lately, because I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm going to let that sentence end right there, but once graduation rolls around (one month countdown), I'm...free, I guess. Which is great, yes, but scary. I could head back to Bolivia and teach for a semester. I could pay my mother rent (woo hoo, awesome plan. She keeps talking about me sleeping on the couch, like she's just waiting for me to graduate so she can turn my room into a gym, or something. Knowing mom, probably an homage to marathoning.) while whoring myself out to the insurance business (again) for a month or so, and try to find a longer-term job. Uncle Tom made it clear that he wouldn't be able to take me on full-time, or probably even part-time, and I honestly wouldn't want that anyway. It's just nice to have security, you know?

I've been applying for jobs and internships, but. I know what I'd like (grad school), but what I'd like isn't possible at this point in time. Working for a year or so is, but I have no idea where to go. I do not want to go back to CT, and anywhere else is fair game, I guess. In the US, because I need to have a paying job before I run off to Spain.

I'm also a little tetchy because I really just started taking dance classes at school, and afro-am classes, and theater classes, and I had no idea I would love these things so much. Or that I wouldn't suck. Also, poetry. Something I've actively loathed for years, I'm actually enjoying, thanks to Charles. A fabulous dude - I want to take him home and box him up so I can take him out whenever I want to discuss poetry and charcoal sketches and awesome twin poets from Leads. I've even started writing poetry, which is impressively bad, and amusing. Amusing how seriously I'm taking this, while still being terrible. Seriously gotta love a liberal arts education.

I love this guy because sometimes he hits the nail on the head. Doesn't everyone feel this way occasionally? (image from xkcd)

initial post

"If I could write out my own dream
for the next time that I sleep
you'd be the first one that I see
and I the last one that you keep

And the dream would go on and on
while we sway
against all things thrown our way

And the morning would be so cruel
when it came
with sunshine and warmth to blame
for announcing the end of my sweet dream
for announcing the end of my sweet dream." - Greg Laswell